Can't Sleep

Can't sleep.  It's 2:07AM.  I just spent an hour creating this blog.  A friend encouraged me to write, so I am taking her advice.  Why can't I sleep?  I've had trouble sleeping for the past year, but nothing compared to the sleeplessness I have experienced this past week.

I fall asleep for a few minutes, then I am awakened by my heart pounding.  This happened 3 times within an hour tonight, so I am just giving up and writing about it.

Why can't I sleep?  Images of my husband in the new life he left me for.  I just can't shake it.  I'm trying so hard.  I need closure that I am never going to receive.  So how do I get past it all?  I'm sure time will heal, but how much fucking time?  I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!  

I felt so much better earlier this evening.  I talked to my husband on the phone finally.  He only called because I filed for child support today.  I guess the BCSE here is on the ball.  Within just a few hours of filling out the paperwork, they called his employer.  I had no idea that would happen so quickly.  My conversation with HIM was typical:  I did all of the talking and crying, and he said nothing.  I just wanted to get some answers, so I can move forward.  I don't need details of his new life.  I just want to know how he can hate me so much that he can't even give me any answers.  He's never given me answers, so I guess I shouldn't expect him to now.  I just keep on trying.  Am I finally done trying to seek closure from him?  I guess I should be.  He kept telling me he was done talking.  Done talking?  He didn't do any talking.  So, I threatened to call HER.  Well, that got his attention.  He was really freaking out about that one.  Threatened to shut off my cell phone which he is still paying for.  I'm a big girl, and I can get through this pain eventually, but when he doesn't want to listen to me about our children it infuriates me.  I guess I should write the whole story down at some point, but back to my original point...I called her, and it really made me feel peaceful.  She immediately answered the phone and started to jump MY shit.  That only me made me want to keep my cool even more, and I did.  I suppose SHE is forgetting SHE is the OTHER woman.  What I got from the brief conversation that we had is that she is being told very one-sided information...duh.  She didn't want to hear the truth I suppose and hung up on me.  I guess they both want to live in their little fairy tale land where I am the big bad wolf.  Bottom line is they put my 5 year daughter through very unnecessary pain for their own selfishness.  I'm here picking up the pieces of the damage they caused, and they don't want to hear about it.  

I felt better earlier because I did get some satisfaction in getting a glimpse of what kind of person she is.  My intention of the conversation was for her to hear about the pain my daughter is in.  I wanted HER to realize that it is just too soon for my child to have to deal with very grown up stuff.  Why make her suffer?  Since she has children of her own, I thought maybe she would understand.  She didn't.  I don't know her at all to know whether she's just uneducated or selfish or what, but she really didn't seem to understand what THEY did was wrong on so many levels.

It's 3AM now.  I must try to go back to sleep.  I guess if I can't, I'll be back on here to vent.  Wish me luck.



Sheepless