Much heartache the past couple of days. I'm sleeping better, but I have a ritual to go through in order to get there. I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love before I go to sleep and focus on the story when I close my eyes. During the day, I am reading The Gift of Betrayal...that's too intense for me to read before I go to sleep.
More drama has entered my life. Just when you think it can't get any worse...I find out my husband has been having an affair with someone else (let's call her MM for Married Mistress) for the past year. He left her too for this new woman (let's call her DM for Divorced Mistress). MM is married too and carried on an affair with my husband for over a year. She left a note on my car to contact her if I wanted. I guess HE left her without an explanation as well. DM is the real explanation of course. MM's reasoning for being ok with sleeping with a married man was, of course, that my poor husband was living with me as a roommate, and only staying until some of the finances were figured out. I'm a monster who withheld sex, dislike my children, and a little bit crazy. All untrue, of course, except the little bit crazy part which I now no longer believe that I am. I met with MM and we talked for over 3 hours. I was glad to have met her. 2 weeks ago, and I am still in shock. It helped me to realize that I haven't been crazy all these years. He made me feel like I was crazy, and I started to believe it. I've always thought he may be a sex addict. I always thought he didn't love me. I always thought he didn't love our children. I always thought he had a gambling problem. ALL TRUE. The more I have read to get through this fucking pain, the more I am convinced that he is a sociopath. He told MM that he went to college...He never finished high school. He told her we didn't have any more children because I never wanted the 2 we have...those must be his feelings. He gambled right in front of her. I believe if MM and I compared phone records, we would see that he was sending us both pictures of his penis at the same...probably to see who would respond the way he wanted. My response was go to hell of course. He told her in May 2012 that we hadn't been intimate for over a year...I didn't stop sleeping with him until March 28, 2013. The longest we ever went without sex was never more than 3 months. I ended intimacy when it started hurting me so much emotionally that I just couldn't anymore. He told MM so many other ridiculous lies they aren't even worth mentioning from my family, to his family, etc. He also started drinking the past few months...He doesn't drink to my knowledge. So, my worst fear came true: to live with someone for so long (17 years) and not know who the fuck they are.
At least now I know how DM fell for him...pity. Oh, you poor underappreciated man. Watch out DM: He is a sociopath and not capable of loving anyone...not even you.
Why does my heart hurt so bad today? My head is filled with information to help me move on and realize there is happiness in my future, but my heart is aching. Head and heart don't match. I need them to match. I can't concentrate on anything. I haven't gone to work in weeks. All I can manage right now is taking care of my girls. Me not going to work though has to stop. I have tried to get some therapy. I don't have insurance, so they have me jumping through hoops to just talk to someone. It is very frustrating. I really need help. I am trying everything on my own, but I just can't focus. This pain in my heart and pit in my stomach are driving me insane.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Can't Sleep
Can't sleep. It's 2:07AM. I just spent an hour creating this blog. A friend encouraged me to write, so I am taking her advice. Why can't I sleep? I've had trouble sleeping for the past year, but nothing compared to the sleeplessness I have experienced this past week.
I fall asleep for a few minutes, then I am awakened by my heart pounding. This happened 3 times within an hour tonight, so I am just giving up and writing about it.
Why can't I sleep? Images of my husband in the new life he left me for. I just can't shake it. I'm trying so hard. I need closure that I am never going to receive. So how do I get past it all? I'm sure time will heal, but how much fucking time? I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
I felt so much better earlier this evening. I talked to my husband on the phone finally. He only called because I filed for child support today. I guess the BCSE here is on the ball. Within just a few hours of filling out the paperwork, they called his employer. I had no idea that would happen so quickly. My conversation with HIM was typical: I did all of the talking and crying, and he said nothing. I just wanted to get some answers, so I can move forward. I don't need details of his new life. I just want to know how he can hate me so much that he can't even give me any answers. He's never given me answers, so I guess I shouldn't expect him to now. I just keep on trying. Am I finally done trying to seek closure from him? I guess I should be. He kept telling me he was done talking. Done talking? He didn't do any talking. So, I threatened to call HER. Well, that got his attention. He was really freaking out about that one. Threatened to shut off my cell phone which he is still paying for. I'm a big girl, and I can get through this pain eventually, but when he doesn't want to listen to me about our children it infuriates me. I guess I should write the whole story down at some point, but back to my original point...I called her, and it really made me feel peaceful. She immediately answered the phone and started to jump MY shit. That only me made me want to keep my cool even more, and I did. I suppose SHE is forgetting SHE is the OTHER woman. What I got from the brief conversation that we had is that she is being told very one-sided information...duh. She didn't want to hear the truth I suppose and hung up on me. I guess they both want to live in their little fairy tale land where I am the big bad wolf. Bottom line is they put my 5 year daughter through very unnecessary pain for their own selfishness. I'm here picking up the pieces of the damage they caused, and they don't want to hear about it.
I felt better earlier because I did get some satisfaction in getting a glimpse of what kind of person she is. My intention of the conversation was for her to hear about the pain my daughter is in. I wanted HER to realize that it is just too soon for my child to have to deal with very grown up stuff. Why make her suffer? Since she has children of her own, I thought maybe she would understand. She didn't. I don't know her at all to know whether she's just uneducated or selfish or what, but she really didn't seem to understand what THEY did was wrong on so many levels.
It's 3AM now. I must try to go back to sleep. I guess if I can't, I'll be back on here to vent. Wish me luck.
Sheepless
I fall asleep for a few minutes, then I am awakened by my heart pounding. This happened 3 times within an hour tonight, so I am just giving up and writing about it.
Why can't I sleep? Images of my husband in the new life he left me for. I just can't shake it. I'm trying so hard. I need closure that I am never going to receive. So how do I get past it all? I'm sure time will heal, but how much fucking time? I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
I felt so much better earlier this evening. I talked to my husband on the phone finally. He only called because I filed for child support today. I guess the BCSE here is on the ball. Within just a few hours of filling out the paperwork, they called his employer. I had no idea that would happen so quickly. My conversation with HIM was typical: I did all of the talking and crying, and he said nothing. I just wanted to get some answers, so I can move forward. I don't need details of his new life. I just want to know how he can hate me so much that he can't even give me any answers. He's never given me answers, so I guess I shouldn't expect him to now. I just keep on trying. Am I finally done trying to seek closure from him? I guess I should be. He kept telling me he was done talking. Done talking? He didn't do any talking. So, I threatened to call HER. Well, that got his attention. He was really freaking out about that one. Threatened to shut off my cell phone which he is still paying for. I'm a big girl, and I can get through this pain eventually, but when he doesn't want to listen to me about our children it infuriates me. I guess I should write the whole story down at some point, but back to my original point...I called her, and it really made me feel peaceful. She immediately answered the phone and started to jump MY shit. That only me made me want to keep my cool even more, and I did. I suppose SHE is forgetting SHE is the OTHER woman. What I got from the brief conversation that we had is that she is being told very one-sided information...duh. She didn't want to hear the truth I suppose and hung up on me. I guess they both want to live in their little fairy tale land where I am the big bad wolf. Bottom line is they put my 5 year daughter through very unnecessary pain for their own selfishness. I'm here picking up the pieces of the damage they caused, and they don't want to hear about it.
I felt better earlier because I did get some satisfaction in getting a glimpse of what kind of person she is. My intention of the conversation was for her to hear about the pain my daughter is in. I wanted HER to realize that it is just too soon for my child to have to deal with very grown up stuff. Why make her suffer? Since she has children of her own, I thought maybe she would understand. She didn't. I don't know her at all to know whether she's just uneducated or selfish or what, but she really didn't seem to understand what THEY did was wrong on so many levels.
It's 3AM now. I must try to go back to sleep. I guess if I can't, I'll be back on here to vent. Wish me luck.
Sheepless
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